“Mistirawit Debdabbe” To Obama

Congratulation to all Obama supporters; in the last three days before the election, I was afraid he would be Swift-boated. The American system, unlike the systems set by unelected repressive regimes, has always been self-correcting and that is the best quality of America. I was impressed by the level of involvement of Eritreans in the election; I hope that drive inspires them to want to plant freedom in their ancestral home. AbSma Zeinab Hussien is now the president. But remember, Obama’s victory would not be possible if not for the behind the scene efforts and benevolence of the PFDJ regime to whom  the credit for defeating Bush belongs. Obama can now be called the Isaias of the USA.

The following is a letter to president elect Obama penned by the PFDJ boss; Obama’s transitional administrators were so happy they wanted to share it with awate.com’s readers. After reading the wisdom contained in this letter, I am sure you will feel proud of Eritrea’s statesmanship!

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Asmara, November 5, 2008

From:  President Isaias Afwerki
The Presidential Office,
Asmara, Eritrea

To:     king-in-waiting Barak Obama
Chicago, Illinois

My dear friend Bereket Obama,

As you are well aware, those who challenge us perish; take note, that is what happened to your predecessor, Bush, who was undeserving to be a king in the first place. We have exposed him in the whole region and, of course, the whole of Africa and the Middle East sided with us against him. We instructed Iran to stand up and defy him after we assured Ahmadinajad of our unwavering support. Bush was so weakened to the extent that he couldn’t protect his throne- he went into hiding leaving you and McCain to fight it out. What a coward he was to leave the throne after only eight years- that is not enough time even to graduate nine Zuria from Sawa; I am not going to tell you how long it takes to build a big, large, huge microdam. We would never abandon our throne like that. But now that you took hold of the throne, you shouldn’t leave it for some useless election drama. Since we have enabled you to take the throne (by weakening Bush), heed our advice and be steadfast. In a time of weakness, you may contemplate abdicating in only four or eight years like the man whose name we don’t even want to mention again. But stay determined and don’t sway from the idea of keeping your god given throne.

We do not believe in the American drama that happens every four years. Unfortunately, you bought into it and decided to busy yourself and waste your time on what you call elections. Had you sought our advice, we would have showed you an easy way to get the throne. We could have installed you last summer when a few of our generals were angered by the comments of Bush and Gual Rice and invaded America. Two of the generals were already in the USA, but the general who commands the rapid deployment brigade stationed in Germany, was airborne the moment he heard of the invasion. These are fine commanders who taught Bush (sorry, I mentioned his name) a lesson- though I must admit they were a little too excited. We had ordered them to occupy a few American buildings in a symbolic invasion; unfortunately they got carried away and ended up conquering the whole world. We had to calm them down and give up our conquests in a hush-hush.

That illegal alien Agame girl, gual Rice, didn’t help either. She was taunting us needlessly. She even appointed what-is-her-name, the “Black lady”—yes Jandayi Frazer, just to write reports with the hope of defaming our glorious rule. But that is behind us now.

There are rumors spreading around that you are contemplating on closing down Guantanamo. Only the Weyane could be behind the campaign to pressure you to close down the guesthouse in Cuba. Don’t yield to the pressure and don’t listen to them. We implore you to let Guantanamo be – send the Agame girls Deqi Rice, Susan and her sister Condoleezza there; don’t forget to send our disloyal subjects who are given refuge in your country as well. But if you change your mind and want to run Guantanamo more effectively, send a team of your soldiers and we will give them a tour of Era-Ero– you can’t even imagine the lessons they would learn. Does our guesthouses have lights, beds, doctors and kitchen for prisoners like what you provide in Guantanamo? Don’t get me started. Save yourself unnecessary headaches; anyone who opens his mouth, send them there. The TV and media people that badmouth kings, especially those guys who make fun of many kings on your useless TV stations, should be hosted at Guantanamo and you will see how straight your subjects would be and how your national security would be nationally secured.

I don’t think anyone told you that we have two different groups of subjects who reside in the USA– both voted for you. Our subjects in the smaller group are loyal (as loyal as a featherless pigeon) to our rule and are the ones you should listen to. The other group is larger but is made up of regionalists and Hasusat-(Damn it Bush, he should have taken them all to Guantanamo).

Imagine, would you tolerate if states considered themselves constituencies? You would run the risk of disintegration and you will have California on its own and Virginia on its own- just like Texas which contemplates on the idea of secession . My advice to you is: criminalize the ancient names of the states and just give them numbers or geographical identifications. For example, instead of using regionalist name like Texas, you can rename it Mexico-border-one zone and Arizona could be Mexico-border-two zone. California could be renamed South-pacific-coast zone and Virginia could simply be renamed capital-zone. All the states along the Mississipi river can be combined and named Mississippi zone, etc. That way, American regionalists would not be able to mention repulsive state names and gain pleasure. If they do…(that is why I am advising you to leave Guantanamo alone).

At any rate, the second group of our subjects who voted for you are larger in number but disloyal to us. By voting for you, they were hoping to create a wedge between me and you. They will fail. Importantly, the group of voters who gave you the marginal gain in Virginia are all members of the Kinijit, our Ethiopian allies (the credit goes to us), and even the supporters of our mortal enemy, Weyane, voted for you (I don’t know how, but here also the credit belongs to us).

Dear Bereket, don’t forget our favors to you.

Bush was thankless and never appreciated our services to him. We hope you will recognize our God given authority to do anything we please with our subjects, and don’t ever interfere in our sovereign rights. Don’t ever mention justice, freedom or human rights to us- freedom is an integral component of our rule. We give our subjects the freedom to die in wars or to die carrying boulders to build their nation. We give them the freedom to spend their life in trenches or end it in graves. We give them freedom of expression to tell their shadows anything they want; and if someone thinks they are insane, we give them the freedom to insanity as well. Take this: we give them the opportunity to die heroically if they wish; we shoot them when they attempt to cross the border.

Many times I heard you blubber a lot about healthcare; In Eritrea, we call what you are trying to do, QebeTbet. Let there be one clinic with two medical assistants in each city. Give them ample supplies of white tablets and Pomata (your people might like colored tablets, you may offer them that) and there, you have your inexpensive healthcare. Excessive expenditure on healthcare and extravagance has made the subjects living in American fiefdoms, soft and sissy. If one cannot be cured with a tablet, let them die. However, if you have trouble running the clinic that we suggest, call our health minister; he can straighten up your touchy-feely subjects and your health system in no time.

You need to be bold and don’t worry too much about death, people are created to die. Learn from us, we make our subjects die in the thousands if we find something we consider important and they must die for. And if you compare the number of your subjects to ours, and the dead-in-action ratio comparison between your kingdom and ours, you would be astounded. Only then would you understand that death in the pursuit of secure borders, and in order to preserve the macho character of the people, is a noble death and is good for a nation.

Your tax policy sounds like a joke –why go through all the trouble? Make everyone pay 2% of their income (past, present and future income) and confiscate all the farmlands, ranches, housing projects and every plot on which the sun shines. You can then rent the land and properties to your subjects. You will wonder how much you will collect. Expropriate all business, create something like the Red Sea Corporation that we have, and collect the revenues. Create a company called Pacific Corporation and give it all the holdings and monopoly rights (Our exchequer, Kisha, is on his way to assist you in that). Your economy can begin to be remedied a little; but if you want to revive it, then our offer to lend you some cash, to blow life to your Walls and Streets, is still on the table. But if you don’t act fast, I see your currency dropping some more. In solidarity with you, we gave our orders and fixed the exchange rate of your weak currency against our mighty Nakfa. I am not sure for how long we can keep protecting you.

On Iraq- oh on Iraq. Bush made a mistake. After we helped him invade and occupy Iraq, he didn’t return our favor. Instead, he began to act as if his troops did the job. The truth is otherwise; the moment Saddam’s troops heard we were part of the Coalition of The Willing, they lost direction and the military crumpled. When we withdrew our support, Iraqis had nothing to fear. That is what happens to people who are ungrateful to us. We can do the same in Darfur and you better learn Bush’s lessons before you sit on that throne.

Take note: we demand that you stop talking ill of our dear friend Awyes. We need him around because he is praying to help us reserve our place in heaven (but I am not going there if God will not send me a limousine; would you spare Air Force One for the trip if need be.) They tell me of a creepy place they go to after death, hell, that is why I need Awyes- just in case, for an insurance prayer.

Before I end my letter, here are the things I want you to do: 1) Arrest what-is-her-name, yes, Jandaye, and send her to Guantanamo after forcing her to apologize to our hero, the future king of Somalia, Awyes. 2) Take Awyes off your terrorism list. 3) order your warships to bomb out the Weyane and finish them off (Also the traitor Sheikh Sheriff), then I want to install Aweys as king of Somalia. 4) Send me enough weapons and I will take care of Sudan and Darfur (don’t worry about Djibouti, one of my generals is going to take care of it).

Be informed that you are allowed to call me as many times as you want whenever you need advice, but avoid calling around mid-night when I am always busy, party times (it is noisy), early morning before I get my Faket-Raas or when I am in a meeting at Massawa.

What?

My assistant just told me you have to wait for over two-months to be sworn in- why? This is laughable. Why can’t you just storm the White House and swear Bush out? Trust me, he will not rebel against you. But if you must wait, then it is not a good sign and we will be suspicious of your resolve. However, if you heed our advice and decided to take your throne right away, just call one battalion and storm the building on Pennsylvania Avenue. Again, if you need help doing that, let me know and I will instruct our Rapid Deployment Brigade in Germany to take action.

Elect of God,

Isaias Afwerki.