[This article was first posted on November 9, 2016 under a title “Mistirawit Debdabe.”]
Eight years ago, on November 8, 2008, I published Isaias’ congratulatory letter to the then president elect, Obama. Today I am publishing Isaias’ congratulatory letter to president elect Donald Trump. You will notice the two letters seem to have been written on the same template. I take it Isaias is too busy to pen a separate letter—after all, nothing changed. But first, my introduction.
Congratulation to all Trump supporters; in the last three days before the election, I was afraid Trump would be taken to a useless Tea Party to heal his defeat. The American system, unlike the systems set by unelected repressive regimes, has always been self-correcting and that is the best quality it embodies. I was impressed by the level of (emotional) involvement of Eritrean Americans in the election. I hope that drive inspires them to want to plant freedom and justice in their ancestral home. Donald Trump is now the president. But remember, his victory wouldn’t have been possible if not for the behind the scene efforts and benevolence of the single Eritrean ruling party, the PFDJ regime, to whom the credit for defeating Hillary Clinton belongs. Trump can now have the honor of being called the Isaias of the USA, provided he doesn’t repeat the grave mistakes his predecessor Obama committed.
The following is a letter to president-elect Trump that the PFDJ boss penned. Trump’s transitional administrators were so happy they decided to share it with the readers of awate.com. After reading the wisdom contained in this letter, I am sure you will feel proud of Eritrea’s statesmanship!
Asmara, November 09, 2016
From: President Isaias Afwerki
The Presidential Office,
To: king-in-waiting, Donald Trump
Trump Towers, New Jersey
My dear would-be friend, The Donald,
As you might be aware, those who challenge us perish; take note, that is what happened to your predecessor, Obama, who was undeserving to be a king in the first place. We have exposed him in the entire region and, of course, the whole of Africa and the Middle East sided with us against him. We instructed Russia to stand up and defy him after we assured Putin of our unwavering support. As a result, Obama was so weakened to the extent that he couldn’t protect his throne. What a coward! After he stayed as president for only eight years, he left you and Hillary to fight over his position. Yet, he went campaigning to hand over his own throne to Hillary. Only eight years! That is not enough time even to graduate nine rounds of conscripts from Sawa! We are not going to tell you how long it took us to build a dam at Adi Halo, though we must admit it is bigger than the Blue Nile dam the Ethiopians are boasting about.
In Eritrea, we would never abandon our throne like that. But now since we have enabled you to take the throne (by weakening Obama), and you are holding it, you shouldn’t leave it for any useless election drama. Heed our advice and be steadfast in times of weakness. In four or eight years, for instance, you might have the urge to contemplate abdicating it like the Kenyan guy who was not born in America did. It’s the man whose name we don’t even want to mention again. But stay determined and don’t sway from the idea of keeping your God-given throne forever, or, until you are 105 years old.
As you know, we do not believe in the American drama that happens every four years. Unfortunately, you bought into it and decided to busy yourself and waste your time on what you call elections. Had you sought our advice, we would have shown you an easy way to get the throne. We could have installed you last year when a few of our generals were angered by the Weyane incursion into our territories. We were busy and patient, otherwise, we would have invaded America and installed you. Two of our generals were already in the USA, and our decorated general who commands the rapid deployment brigade stationed in Germany, was airborne the moment he heard of our decision to invade America. We ordered him to calm down and to return to his secret base, in Germany. You must know that we have fine commanders who taught Obama (sorry, we mentioned his name) a lesson, though we must admit they were a little too excited in their zeal to imitate us. We had ordered them to occupy a few American buildings in a symbolic invasion; unfortunately, they got carried away and ended up conquering the whole country. We had to calm them down and give up our conquests in a hush-hush. The invasion was so swift nobody noticed.
That illegal alien Agame girl, Gual Rice, who pretends to be an American and sits at the UN headquarters, and who was taunting us needlessly, didn’t help either. She was appointed as your ambassador by what-is-her-name, the wife of the previous king who was your rival—yes, Hillary Clinton who couldn’t even keep her e-mails secret. In our language, we call such woman gesreT, worse than shabby. But that is behind us now.
There are rumors spreading around that you are contemplating on closing down Wall Street. That would be excellent, but you have to acknowledge it is our idea. Be careful though, the Weyane could stand against you in that endeavor because they get a lot of money from it. Don’t yield to the pressure and stay firm. We implore you to heed our advice and destroy the Wall Street. Demolishing a single wall won’t be that difficult anyway. But make sure that Gual Rice, the Agame girl, Susan, is sentenced to hard labor clearing the debris after you demolish the wall—don’t forget to sentence our disloyal subjects who were given refuge in your country along with her. But if you change your mind and want to keep the Wall so that you can run it more effectively, send a team of your finance people for training and we will give them a tour of our banks where we keep all the nation’s confiscated currency bills—you can’t even imagine the lessons they would learn.
Are our banks automated with computers and other technology, and sophisticated communication gadgets like your useless Wall street? Don’t even get me started. Save yourself unnecessary headaches; just send anyone who opens his mouth to us. The TV and media people who badmouth kings, especially those guys who make fun of kings on your useless media outlets should be hosted at a place we call Ella-Ero, and you will see how straightened up your subjects would be, and how your national security would be nationally secured.
We don’t think anyone told you that we have two different groups of subjects in the USA— The largest group of our subjects that your country foolishly hosts, the regionalists and Hasusat (Damn it Obama, he should have sent them to us to be housed in Ella-Ero) didn’t vote for you because they do not like our influence on your thinking and your imitation of our character. But our loyal subjects who are like the harmless puppies, did vote for you. They were the swing groups who made your success possible.
Imagine, would you tolerate it if your States considered themselves autonomous and governed themselves? If so, you would run the risk of the disintegration of your country, and you will have California on its own and Virginia on its own. Just like Texas, which contemplates on the idea of secession every now and then. Your national unity will be endangered and you would be worried and busy safeguarding your sovereignty like us. Our advice to you is: criminalize the ancient names of the states and baptize them with new names, preferably numbers or geographical identifications, instead. For example, instead of using a regionalist name like Texas, you can rename it Mexico-border-one zone, and Arizona could be Mexico-border-two zone. California could be renamed South-pacific-coast zone, and DC could simply be renamed Capital-city-zone. We would have suggested you simply name it Center, though it is not in the center—wrong geographical location and city planning. All the states along the Mississippi river can be combined and named Mississippi-zone, etc. That way, American regionalists would not be able to mention repulsive state names and be excited about it. If they do, you need our services at Ella-Ero, and we will offer our limitless help to silence your regionalists.
At any rate, one group of our subjects who didn’t vote for you are larger in number but disloyal to us. By voting for the wannabe queen Hillary, they were hoping to drive a wedge between us and your country. They failed. Importantly, the group of voters who gave you the marginal gain in states like Virginia, are all members of Gnbot-seven, our Ethiopian opposition allies. Obviously, that credit also goes to us. But ironically, even some supporters of our mortal enemy, Weyane, voted for you. We don’t know how, but we will figure it out soon. At any rate, the credit belongs to us.
Don’t forget our favors to you. Obama was thankless and he never appreciated our services to him. We hope you will recognize our God-given authority to do anything we please with our subjects, and don’t ever think of interfering in our sovereign rights. Don’t ever mention justice, freedom or human rights to us—freedom is an integral component of our rule. We give our subjects the freedom to die in wars, or, to die carrying boulders to build our nation. We give them the freedom to spend their life in trenches, or end it in graves. We give them freedom of expression to tell their shadows anything they want, and if someone thinks they are insane, we give them the freedom to insanity as well. Take this: we give them the opportunity to die heroically if they wish; we shoot them when they attempt to cross the border. Justice? We are number one in the world.
Many times we heard Obama blubbering about healthcare, he even named it after himself. In Eritrea, we call such projects QebeTbeT, the language of a spoiled brat. Let there be one clinic with two medical assistants in each American city. Give them ample supplies of white tablets and Pomata, any ointment. Your people infatuated with colored tablets, you may offer them that as well. And there, you have your inexpensive healthcare. Excessive expenditure on healthcare and extravagance has made American subjects living in different fiefdoms, or your states, very soft and sissy. If they cannot be cured by taking a few tablets, let them die. But if you are not able to run the clinic system that we are suggesting, call our health minister; she can straighten up your touchy-feely subjects and shape up your health system in no time.
You need to be bold and not worry too much about death, people are created to die. Learn from us, we make our subjects die in the thousands; if we find something we consider important to us, they must die for it. And if you compare the number of your subjects to ours, and compare the ratio of dead-in-action to the living, between your kingdom and ours, you would be astounded. We are proud of our high dead to the spared ratio. There too, we are the number one nation. Admire that and only then would you understand that death in the pursuit of secure borders, and to preserve the macho character of the people, is a noble death. It’s good for any nation.
Your tax policy sounds like a joke—why go through all the trouble? Make everyone pay 2% of their income (past, present and future income) and confiscate all the farmlands, ranches, housing projects, and every home and plot on which the sun shines. You can then rent the land and properties of your subjects. You will wonder how much money you can collect. Expropriate all business, create something like the Red Sea Corporation that we have, and collect the revenues. Create a company and call it the Pacific Corporation and give it all the holdings and monopoly rights of your economy (Our exchequer, Kisha, is on his way to assist you in that). You will witness your financial problems remedied and your economy can begin to heal a little. If that is not enough to revive your economy, then we can lend you some of the idle cash Nakfa belonging to our people. It is just laying in its tones in our vaults, at least it can blow some life to the replacement of your despicable Walls and Street economy. If you don’t act fast, we foresee your currency dropping down swiftly. But don’t worry, in solidarity with you, we gave our orders and fixed the exchange rate of your weak currency against our mighty Nakfa. We are not sure for how long we can keep protecting you as we protected your predecessors.
On Syria, you know that Obama made a mistake. After we helped his predecessor and him invade and occupy Iraq and pacify Afghanistan, he didn’t even appreciate our role publicly. Instead, he began to act as if his troops can do the job in Syria on their own. If he heeded our advice, and relinquished command of his troops in Syria to us, we would have pacified the country long time ago. Even Russia would have packed and left Syria in fear. ISIS? Our conscripts would have taken care of that. Just remember: the moment Saddam’s troops heard we were part of the Coalition of The Willing, they lost direction and the military crumpled in disarray. When we withdrew our support, the Iraqis had nothing to fear and some of them were emboldened by the vacuum and rushed to create ISIS. That is the result of Obama’s ungratefulness to us. We also did the same in South Sudan and in Darfur. Now Sudan’s AlBashir is just like our lap dog. My friend King Trump, You better learn from Obama’s lessons before you sit on that throne.
We are so unpredictable that some people say we are helping the Houthis of Yemen, while others say we are helping the Saudis. Let them guess, we are not saying, but we are the movers and shakers in the most stable region. Thanks to Yemen, we now have secured the goodwill of both the Sunni and Shia sects. Both are praying to help us reserve our place in heaven. But we are not going there inside a coffin and wrapped in a shroud. If we must, God must send us a limousine—we reckon you would spare Air Force One for the trip if need be! They tell us of a creepy place they go to after death, hell, that is why we need both the Sunni and Shiaa for an insurance prayer, just in case.
Before we end our letter, here are the things we want you to do: 1) Arrest what-is-her-name, yes, Susan Gual Rice, and send her to us after she apologizes to us and AlShabab—the other group that is also praying for us. 2) Take the names of our close servants off your terrorism list. 3) order your warships to bomb out the Weyane and finish them off—in due time we will tell you who else to bomb. 4) Send us enough weapons and we will take care of Russia, Syria, and ISIS (don’t worry about Yemen, our intelligence agents are taking care of it).
Finally, be informed that you are allowed to call us as many times as you want, whenever you need advice, but avoid calling around mid-night when we are always busy. You know, party times are noisy. And not early morning before we get our Fakket-Raas, or when we are meeting with some servants in Massawa.
Our assistant just told us that you have to wait for over two-months to be sworn in! Why? Just like Obama did! This is laughable. Why can’t you just storm the White House and swear Obama out? Trust us, he will not rebel against you. But if you must wait, then it is not a good sign and we will be suspicious of your resolve. However, if you heed our advice and decided to take your throne right away, just call one militia battalion and storm the building on Pennsylvania Avenue. We can provide commanders if you wish. Again, if you need more help, let us know and we will instruct our commander to send an airborne Rapid Deployment Brigade from Germany to help you evict Obama from the White House.
Elect of God,