Satire: A Speech By A Candidate For Eritrean Presidency

Over the holidays the de-romantics camp received the following speech given by a notable Ghedli Romantic, which has not been made public. For now, its author will remain a secret. Here is the contents of the speech.

Dear compatriots:

I am elated to be in this conference under the theme of “No Eritrean left behind “. And the slogan is not mere words as I can see several Eritreans who were almost left behind by their misguided ride on a train that was traveling beyond the legal speed limit. I can see someone just walked in, I can tell by the limp from the injury he sustained when he jumped from that aging train that erroneously thinks it is the state of the art technology and travels at an illegal speed for its age. If you have not guessed it, it is the YG & GY ltd. locomotive that is unoriginal in design, blind in vision. Do not be fooled by the fresh paint, the “bones” are a century old. Almost. The engineering behind it is plagiarized.

Ladies and gentlemen, during this conference that will unite all Eritreans, whether you are Ghedli romantic or de-romantic, former PFDJ supporter, current PFDJ supporter, former tegadalai or a “koboro” junkie , we all have the blazing love of our Eritrea and its people in our hearts. No one should be left behind because of his political pedigree. The overwhelming attendance tells me that my vision for our country is sound and uniting. Today I would like to announce my candidacy for the president of Eritrea. Yes the position is not open yet, but that is exactly the difference between a visionary and someone who waits for an opportunity to fall on his lap. In my adapted country of the USA when the members of a party agonize of selecting their nominee for the presidential race, the most crucial issue they grapple with, is the electability factor of the individual. Today I will make the case that I am very electable.

You may also ask me a legitimate question: why would I suddenly reveal my intention after always adamantly averring that I would only be interested in a talent discovery role, if I ever held public office. But things changed for me and I changed my mind. First the lucrative business of talent discovery is not challenging to me now as I have made a bundle in my investment in the very novel technology of Nano tech when the neo-andnets ridiculed it. I am into new and contrary stuff and that is why, contrary to St. Paul who said that love is superior to hope and faith, I am heavily invested in another novel way of doing politics called “Hope”. To the chagrin of the old agrarian technology thinkers whose delusional thinking did not offer them the foresight to cash on my successful predictions, my controlling investment in “Hope” will handsomely pay off.

Although you may know me from my critical writing over the years, I have been closely studying the Eritrean gender power struggle. Eritrean women will have a decisive role on the outcome of an open election, not only because of their slight demographic advantage, but also due to their influence on the belligerent Eritrean man. The Eritrean male pretends to call the shots in every area of life, but I discovered that the Eritrean woman does the heavy lifting in the household and also makes the crucial decisions. After the initial “wellE ille” chants to assert his masculine, it turns out that the Eritrean woman calls the shots in the closed doors. So I will strategically target the Eritrean woman to clinch the presidency.

Long time before a cruel Ethiopian described my looks as below average, in my teens when I used to live briefly in the Sudan, girls my age used to be enamored by my looks so they nick named me “felemay tiboQul zela siye”. Those girls are now in their late forties and early fifties and most of them are languishing in the Sudan. My first campaign trail will be the Sudan, after sharing my plans for their return to their beloved Eritrea, I will sneak in the “felemay tiboQula zela siye” nickname. Then I will make my way to Eritrea through the Lowlands inspecting crops and irrigation and somewhere I will assemble the woman of the Lowlands under the largest Neem tree and campaign. I will sing for them:

ebshelila tetlewale
Sawa min titkere itetthade

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how I will commence the democratic coup on the national service: Keep it for national security and free labor, but make it voluntary to the point that my administration refuses recruits.

Then, my campaign in Asmara will be the easiest one. I will deliver. I will wear my watch on my right wrist and when the Asmarinos shake my hand, they will get the whiff of my Dolce Cabana, which I also wear on my right wrist. Once they Asmarinas had whiff of my cologne and establish my “Asmarinoness”, I will withdraw my hand immediately and tell them, “qotsera alleni” and leave. They will yell “awedeana, awedeana”. Then vote for me.

Then I will take my campaign to the Highland country side. I will assemble all the Eritrea women and sing for them an old folk lore song:

Gual Ere teoum shita kem shilan’e
Birhan geza kem fanus’e
Teoum dehay kem may Qddase

Since our problems is the head of the PFDJ, once I become the head, I will do the following:

I will make sure that the body does not wither away. Just like re-inventing the wheel in the constitution is silly idea, it is also silly to re-create new body for the new head in my government. I will keep the body and since the brain controls the rest of the body the democratic coup will be spread downwards. Like our current president I will maintain two-right hands. One right hand will “monkey” with the diaspora that will still be sizable and the second right hand will be my Charlie in the new media.

I am in a generous mood today and I have a theme song for the neo-andenet after their old technology train crashes to pieces. But first I will tell you a backgrounds story of the song.

Long time ago, a young Sudanese with modest means fell in love with a next door girl, but he could not ask for her hand as he needed money for the lavish wedding ceremony. So he traveled to Saudi Arabia to toil and moil and save the needed money. Upbeat and exuberant he returned after several years, but his heart was broken when he discovered that the love of his life was married away. So he took on his “Oud” and sang, “meskin ana”

Meskin ana, meskin ana
Beket wo sheket
Sheket wo beket
wa habibet gelbi saaferet
Meskin ana, meskin ana
Benat hilletna ma gaaluley Hannuhu Hannuhu
Wa awalad Haayyena ma gaalulay mebruk alek
Ahlaamana kaanet saeeda
Wo afkaarna biget meytta

This song by the heartbroken young lover is befitting when the day of reckoning finally arrives and the neo-andnets mourn.

But be assured that since my goal is no Eritrean left behind, one of my campaign promises will be to provide toys to the under privileged Eritrean children, I have figured out a way to cheaply provide the toys. I will negotiate with our neighbors in the South to return all the malleable toys that they have made from Eritreans over the years and bequeath toys to our children. No Eritrean should be left behind.

If you have not been touched by my reasons of electability I implore you to consider this: I am a cool dude, almost incapable of getting angry, a Vulcan of sorts, and I never lose my cool, although I admit that my cool lost me when my beloved “koboro” was described as a junkie. Although I am incapable of anger, I am capable of becoming misty eyed. Both my incapability and capability are the stuff that presidents who transcend ages are made of.

Thanks you