The Rice Weyane Twins: Condoleezza and Susan

This edition of Negarit was first published on December 9, 2005 under the title, “A Secret Letter: Isaias to Bush.” It’s being republished hoping it will trigger some memories as suggestedf by a member of the Awate fourm. It’s being published under a new title: The Rice Weyane Twins: Condoleezza and Susan

---

Asmara, December 10th., 2005

To George Bush

From Isaias Afwerki

Though you call yourself George Bush, we will call you Gergis Chekhona. The angel whose name you carry is Gergis and your grandfather is Bush, Chakka, therefore Chekhona. Must we teach you everything?

Dear Gergis Chekhona,

You could possibly ask why we are writing you a private letter.  We have generously bestowed harvesting advice on farmers, plumbing advice on contractors, wiring advice on electricians, coffee-roasting to mothers and now we give you advice on how to rule your country.  If you refuse, we shall expose all of you. You will pay for picking the Weyane over us. We know your secrets more than you do, we even know American secrets you do not know. Your tricks and conspiracies are transparent, and America’s dream of hegemony is dangerous. We have decided to make your true nature known to every Eritrean (and American). Your CIA operations are an open book to us- we are an expert on that.

When people all over the world read this letter that exposes issues previously considered  secret, they will certainly envy Eritreans. They will discover how we share all secrets with our people. Though you want to diminish our greatness, this letter is a proof of how wrong you are. Check what happened to Bandini, Hassen Gouled, Mengistu, General Degaulle, Turabi, Mussolini and the so-called Alexander the Great before them. You will find us behind their downfall.

Our people are always amazed by our blunt and open nature and our vast knowledge of world politics. However, when they read this letter, they will not have to go far to confirm that our type of leadership is what every country in the world needs, even the imperialist and Zionist USA. We know a lot.

4 Year Terms For Kings?

We used to laugh at American kings, only the brave of whom can manage to stay in power for only eight. The weaker even abdicate in only four years–what a joke!  All in the name of a drama known as democracy, beating drums and blowing horns of “pluralism”, “free and fair elections”. But we all know this is a theatrics of absurdity, if final and binding is neither final nor binding, how can free and fair be either free or fair. There is no freedom or fairness anywhere in the world.  Might Makes Right.  Only the strong survive.  As one of your negro citizens once sang, “don’t push me because I am close to the edge, I am trying not to lose my head, it is like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder, how I keep from going under.”

While we laugh at other American kings, especially your father, for abdicating after only four years, we laugh at you for worse reasons: for too long, you have been tricked by a Weyane girl who is now outgrown her shoes and is conspiring against us. She will be exposed. Thanks to us, everyone will know who she really is. She is no more the bright black girl who made it to the top but one who cheated her way there. What she did is trickery. We even phrased a Tigrinya word for her deeds, Aaloq.

Who are Berchqo and Amleset Gebreananya?

Girgis, we are sure you do not know the background of people you have trusted. Though she tried to hide her true identity for years, one of them remains Berchqo Gebreananya who was born in the poorer quarter of poor Mekele. Mekele is not in Djibouti, it is not in Kenya, it is not in Begemidr; we can say it is in Tigrai. If we are going to talk about the daughter of Gebreananya, it can be said she is a Weyane. Berchqo is from Tigray and therefore, she is Weyane.

It is possible to say that we might be her blood relation. But we will not let that relation cloud our judgment in exposing her. Just like her Weyane cousins, she claims to be from Ethiopia, she is not. Weyane are from Tigrai and cannot be from Ethiopia. We cannot be tricked anymore by the old American Shitara and Aaloq.

We have known Brchqo and her sister since they were walking barefoot to school on the dirt roads of Mekele. It can be said we had our suspicions. About seven years ago, her younger sister Amleset, tried to hide her true identity as well. She tried to act smart when she was only a woman in a mini-skirt. She could not accept her femininity and pretended to be as smart as a man. Though just a kid, she wanted to act as our equal. We were patient and didn’t want to disrupt her livelihood. Though we knew she was Amleset the moment she walked into our office; we kept the secret to ourselves. America had the temerity to send us a peasant girl from Mekelle to negotiate! Now, both daughters of Gebreananya have crossed the line.

Brchqo joined the Weyane in the seventies–at least that can be said is a result of our teaching the people of Tigrai how to rebel. She joined the armed rebellion that we created to liberate Tigrai. It can be said, unlike the EPRP, we allowed her to fight alongside the TPLF where she stayed for only two years. We also know that she is related to Sebhat Negga on Adey Tsadqan’s side. It can also be said that she was a classmate of the head of the Weyane who says he is the prime minister of Ethiopia. We saw her last in Sahel when we were solving the problems with the Weyane and trying to find refuge for the useless Amma in the seventies. Then she disappeared, Koblila, as we say in Eritrea.

Everyone knows about the White man she was talking to in Port Sudan. He is a CIA agent. We know he planned her escape, as a stowaway, from Port Sudan on board a Greek cargo ship carrying olive oil bound for Mexico.  By the way, the cargo belonged to the Red Sea Corporation and the Mexicans haven’t paid for it. So, relay a message to your friend Vincente Fox (Wedi Wkharia), NAFTA or Benzine, we will invade Mexico in due time.

But let’s forget the gual neger and talk about the neger, as we say in Eritrea. Once in Mexico, she walked across the Arizona Desert and sneaked into the USA wearing a T-Shirt with a slogan on the chest reading, ‘I am not Brchqo’. It is not un-amazing! There were no Minutemen then. She even carried an American flag to cheat the border patrol. We know of the false ID that she bought in Los Angeles through the help of the CIA that enrolled her at a California university. From there, she faked her way, and climbed up the government ladder and ended up in a top position within the American Administration.

Brchqo took the whole academia, the think-tanks and the White House for a long ride. Until now, no American ever discovered her true identity. Even you, Gergis the gullible appointed Berchqo as your Secretary of State and my soldiers were wondering: Berchqo is “their foreign affairs chief”! They couldn’t believe she tricked you. But we knew all along, for we know everything.

Brchqo Gebreananya has been passing as an American by the name Condoleezza Rice for too long. Her younger sister Amleset Gebreananya (we admit, for a Weyane, she is good looking) has been passing as Susan Rice for too long–and both claim to be doctors- one of our platoon leaders is better than all of your cheat doctors combined. What is wrong with them? Do they think Rice is better sounding name than Gebreananya? We wouldn’t call ourselves Isaias Rice for anything. Shame on them. By the way, whatever rumors you heard on what we did to Amleset, we have decided it is not true.

Our Messenger Girma Asmerom At The Airport

Brchqo brought this on herself. She went out of her way to appease her cousins the Weyane. She has been ganging up with them against us all along. Everything that happened before, during, and after the May election in Ethiopia is her work. She shamelessly wasted the American taxpayers’ money and hired thousands of Ethiopian-Weyane-Americans who posed as voters and were responsible for the vote rigging, chaos, and violence. Everyone who wears a dark suit and dark sunglasses in Addis is an American agent. Until they read this, the poor Ethiopians don’t know of your tricks. They think your agents are simple tourists. They are naïve, and we always have to teach them. What have the Amhara done? What have the Afar done? What have the Somalis done? What have the Reshaida done–sorry, our mistake, Rashaida are ours–what have the Oromo done? By conspiring with Brchqo’s cousins, the Weyane, you have wronged all the tribes and clans of Ethiopia. Verily, you will pay for that.

My ambassador in Washington DC is not sleeping either. He is diligently monitoring the CIA conspiracy and your government’s tricks. A true diplomat, he pretended to be a sweeper and worked at the Washington Dulles Airport for weeks collecting intelligence. Girma Asmerom wanted to resign his ambassadorship to work full time at the airport as a sweeper because there are more mirrors at the airport and he can admire his reflection every five seconds. But we reminded him there are no mirrors in our prisons and he has shaped up since. But while at Washington Dulles, he personally counted twenty planes that carried thousands of CIA and State Department employees camouflaged as tourists who left last summer for Addis. He also discovered that the man who calls himself President Carter is still on your payroll. He is a coward who gave up the presidency because of pieces of cards you call voting cards. We have a hunch he is a son of Greek merchant born of a Weyane woman. He wouldn’t conspire with the Weyane like that unless they were his cousins. You all must stop your conspiracy against us. We have warned you and you better take this warning seriously.

Kufu’e Gwahmam

We also have to tell you about the club you call UN.

Gergis, though I know the man you call Koffi Anan (we call him Kufu’e Gwahmam) is enamored with Ethiopia, he does not understand he is helping the Weyane who are not Ethiopians. If he wants to help the true Ethiopians, he should put his hand under ours and help the CUD. There is a lot of planning that we are doing with the CUD. But Anan is not fit for the challenge. We tried to show him our brilliance in bringing about a quiet revolution in Sudan but he does not understand. We are expecting you to fire him and we have a replacement for you. Can you do that? No?

American presidents are so soft you can’t even stay in power for a day more than eight years. Eight years? What can you accomplish in eight years? It took us 14 years to repair the Asmara-Massawa railroad. We are planning on another 15 years to repair the Asmara-Agordat railroad. The border war with Ethiopia is only seven years old and it is not yet resolved. What is eight years? Take our advice, forget about the election nonsense, just stay and we will teach you how to do that. On conditions are that, 1) you deposit for us 2 billion dollars into a Swiss account that we will give you; 2) topple the Weyane, and 3) install CUD in Addis Ababa.  Then we will give them Assab. We are really thinking beyond borders. Sure, we will give them Assab, but we will be running Ethiopia, so, does it really matter? They are probably thinking the reverse, “sure, we will give them access, long enough to take Assab.”  But we will outsmart them, and if we don’t, we will have a war with them in another ten years. By then, there will be a new generation of Eritreans who have to go to war to learn the true meaning of nationalism. Your predecessors knew that every generation has to go to war to learn about nationalism, but your government is too soft and is conspiring with the “free and fair election” drum beating of Weyane.

We are sure if you continue in this destructive path, our patience will dry out. This is a very dangerous strategy. Then, your nuclear stockpiles will not help. We will impose sanctions on the USA and you will experience what poverty means. We might even refuse entry into Eritrea for your charities and NGO and stop them from helping Eritreans. Then when Eritreans die, you will suffer. We don’t care. You will have brought that upon yourselves. You will be responsible for anything that happens.

Your Last, Final & Binding Warning

If pushed too much, we might pull Eritrea’s membership from the World Bank and you know the consequences of that. Chaos. The Bank would go belly up; international trade will be hampered; flow of capital from Eritrea will stop; and the whole world will enter a recession you never witnessed since we beat the Soviet Union. You will regret it when you see one million US$ exchanged for two Mexican Pesos–at least until we invade and occupy Mexico. You will be begging to borrow from our Nakfa reserves. It will be too late and we will not allow you to borrow. We will not allow you to use the Red Sea. Your salary will be reduced. Imagine the might of our army. We know: 18 Somalis made you flee Somalia. Compared to Eritrea’s force, the Somalis are a bunch of boy scouts. We can conquer the USA in 11 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds. You will be left with one second to flee to the North Pole before the hands of the clock hits 12. You can’t.

If we were not busy training the loyalist of Haile Sellasie and the remnants of the Derg on how to topple Brchqo’s cousins, it would have been different. That is why we are not tough on you. Once we are over with the training of the CUD, the darling qnnijjt, you have to run for life. What we will do to the USA will make the Alamo look like a child’s play.

Surrender Now While You Have A Chance

Gergis, we have some kindness left in us. We might be dissuaded from all of that if you heed our advice. For what they are worth, here they are.

• You might be forgiven if your Secretary of State goes on national TV and announces that her true name is Brchqo Gebreananya and not Candaleeza Rice.
• You instruct your operatives and agents of your friends the CIA to take Meles out– they know how to.
• You instruct that white-mustached John Boloton, the representative of yours in the UN to hit Koffi Anan with a bottle of Black Label whiskey until he bleeds (We need to see proof of the blood).
• Bring the Federal Reserve under the World Bank (We have plans for that).
• Appoint our advisor Weldai Futur (he is an old World Bank hand) to became the chairman of the World Bank (We will not approve your unilateral appointment of Greenspan’s replacement).
• Brchqo must resign and go back to Mekele to live with her father Gebreananya for the rest of her life.
• As a member of the ‘Coalition of the Willing,’ we will take charge of Iraq and show them how things are done.

If you don’t follow the above advice that we have generously bestowed on you, it can be said you will be sorry when we decide to invade and occupy the USA. It means we will sit in the White house–we will paint it red and it means we will rename it The Bloody House. The State Department will possibly be considered to become the central prison. It means Brchqo will be jailed in its basement for life. You have been forewarned.

Sincerely,

Isaias Afwerki,

President, Republic of Eritrea
Vice President of Hagere Ertra
Minister of Local Government
Minister of Information
Minister of Foreign Affairs
Chancellor, University of Asmara
Commander in chief All Operation Zones
Chairman, People’s Front for Democracy and Justice
Chair, Council of Ministers
Chair, Eritrea’s National Assembly
Chair, Eritrean Chamber of Commerce
Chair, Department of Invention of New Tigrigna Words
Director, Jontra haircut style setting department
Chief Critic, Eritrea’s Association of Playwrights

PS: Girgis, in case you are saying why there is only one signature in the place of 14, that is because we hold all senior positions in Eritrea.  We have bestowed advice upon thee on how to do away with elections and achieve that honor, if only you would listen. If you want to reply to us, use the e-mail at the bottom which belongs to one of your CIA and Weyane agent.